Jive Talkin'

Throughout human history, one of the things that totalitarian regimes seek to do is stifle dissent. That's why political opponents are eliminated or sent to Siberia, why books (and the ideas contained within them) are burned, and why great emphasis is placed on controlling the flow of information.

So it was with great interest -- and more than a chuckle or two -- that we here in the patch listened to WMBS talk show host Mark Rafail on Friday, as he attempted to explain away the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's story on the firing of his predecessor, the iconic Bob Foltz.

Engaging in a brand of intellectual contortionism that would have won him a gold medal if there were such a sport, Rafail first attempted to make the story about HIM, even though his name was mentioned only in passing. He then proceeded to bad-mouth the Pittsburgh newspaper, calling it "an outside entity writing articles about Fayette County without the facts."

The Post-Gazette, crowed Rafail, doesn't even deliver its newspaper in Fayette County on Monday through Friday. And its reporter, said spinmeister Rafail, erred by writing that the Fayette County Zoning Hearing Board (of which Rafail is an alternate member) aids people in getting special exception permits to conduct natural gas drilling.

Rafail trivialized the role of the Zoning Hearing Board, making it sound like obtaining a special exception permit is a perfuntory process. It is not. The Zoning Hearing Board is a quasi-judicial body, and its proceedings are quite formal, with all testimony being transcribed by a trained stenographer. There is no guarantee that anybody who seeks a special exception will get one; and two people seeking the same special exception using the same logic are not guaranteed the same outcome.

The only reason someone seeks a special exception permit in the first place is because what they want to do with their property falls outside of its zoned uses. There is a list of things you can do with the property when that happens -- these are the "special exceptions" -- but it requires approval of the three-person Zoning Hearing Board.

None of this, of course, has anything to do with the firing of Foltz, or the legitimacy of the Post-Gazette story. We agree that if Rafail were mentioned in the story, even in passing, that he should have been called for comment. But what was he going to say? "I can't comment on why Foltz was fired, but let me give you a civics lesson on how the Zoning Hearing Board works. And by the way, keep your stinkin' paper out of Fayette County. We don't like outsiders round these here parts."

Here's what Rafail actually DID say on the air Friday: "I don't see how any of this is relevant to life ... In Fayette County, we want facts, we don't want fiction ... If you want to write about Fayette County, write about the good things."

And our favorite Rafailism, concerning the Fayette County commissioners: "If they're doing something wrong, I'm going to say it." We have a sneaky suspicion that listeners will wait a long time to hear any criticism of substance from Rafail, who on Friday suggested that his listeners "can talk about how nice the weather is today."

Oh, and the guy who wants people to write only about the good things in Fayette County also wanted his listeners to share their views on the "Ice Cream guy," who had reportedly gotten into an altercation with another ice cream truck driver, then reportedly got into a confrontation with his boss in a separate incident.

Let's get this straight: On the one hand, you want only those stories that show Fayette County in a positive light, but on the other hand you want to promote the type of story that makes folks on the outside laugh at us?

On Friday, we also heard Rafail challenge his listeners by asking them for suggestions for a new theme song for his show. We have one: "Jive Talkin' " by the Bee Gees.